I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
