I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
