Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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