I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize