Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
