maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
operation harelip BJ is a go
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
