if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
