i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
