Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
