totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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