Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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