Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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