Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
