He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
