OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
