I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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