Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
