I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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