i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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