This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
