just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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