yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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