i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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