your parents love me but you hate me
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I think i got beer on your cat.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
