i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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