Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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