you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I AM VODKA MAN
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
