So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
