Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
