He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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