you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize