Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
