Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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