I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
