you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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