Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
