I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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