I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
