Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
