Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
