1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
