Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
