You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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