Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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