i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
