you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
