Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
