Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
