my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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