Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
