I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
