I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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