im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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