I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
