I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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