my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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