Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
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