Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
