Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
