Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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